Saturday, April 26, 2008

The great telecon battle of 2002

The two armies led by the Satrap and the King met over teleconference at IST 8.00 p.m. As the virtual teams gathered over a Cisco and an Avaya Voip phone at their respective ends, many team members now swear they heard a conch. Warming up with "I am not political." from Srikanth , the telconference went into heat mode and finally exploded into a full fledged mud slinging encounter between the two teams. Requirements, connectivity were the main weapons from offshore while reactiveness and lack of domain knowledge were the onsite mantra.

At this stage, the war was on equal footing, it looked as if it would break the existing record for the longest fought stalemate wars over telephone. Once the Connectivity and Requirements ammo had found their mark and used beyond their due date, offshore pounded onsite with "Offshore is not delivering" bombs. Bombs fell in from all project co-ordinators onsite who, until this stage, were silent observers sharpening their saws. The satrap was not prepared for such a response. He had hoped for some support atleast from those who he had sent onsite, but it was not to be. It turned to be a betrayal. He raised the white flag.

As per the treaty signed post the battle of 2002, offshore would send as tribute, 17 elephant sized status reports, 25 horse sized status reports and about 122 reports on the resources (infantry). Apart from this regular tributes in the form of conference calls, expert review committees, process improvements were also demanded and agreed upon.

If any of these tributes were not paid, was the implied warning, the satrap could lose his crown. As a continued tribute, the best offshore warriors were now drafted to the onsite army further weakening the offshore satrap.

Bereft of its able warriors offshore slowly transformed from a tiger (later toothless) into a chained dog. Finally, the King sent two of his least useful and highly incompetent and ranked officers to oversee the satrap from his own kingdom. Meanwhile, the wily Sanket saw light at the end of the tunnel. If he could do well and impress Srikanth and if Tushar had enough of being a vassal, he could get to become delivery manager in a short span of time.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

face the truth, thats how many of the oniste offshore model works. well written and hilarious..

Sanjay Easwar said...

Struck a chord, enjoyed this article. A model we invented and made popular but (hush!) still trying to perfect.

Neelakantan said...

You bet! But we still run it as empires...