Saturday, May 17, 2014

Diary of a Left Liberal Columnist

June 2013: Narendra Modi gets a post because Rahul Gandhi has been nominated weepy of Congress. This is hilarious. Modi wants a post because the first born of the dynasty got a post. Hell, he was born into it, but this fellow - he needs a position - so much ego. And guess what, Nitish Kumar has quit. This guy will be a future Prime Minister. I can write three columns on this. Bihar model is better than Gujarat model. JDU holds the keys to a future government. Lalit Modi, no Sushil Modi is better than Narendra Modi. This is the beginning of the break up of NDA. Congress is so happy they have decided to two three more scams - no maybe I should not write that. They may take it literally.

September 2013: These BJP guys are foolish. They have actually nominated this Narendra Modi as Prime Minister candidate. As if anybody cares. The last two elections they have not learnt. LK Advani lost. Vajpayee also. Who needs a candidate. And that too Modi. This is great news. I can churn out columns by the dozen now. This is such a great opportunity. I can create columns just by using a few key words. Polariser. Dictator. Arrogant. Majoritarian. Chauvinist. Gujarati (not sure if that fits in with the previous words). RSS. Hindutva Lab. Muslims. Riots. This fellow will break up the NDA and the BJP will have no allies. Maybe they will win 100 seats. Good riddance to Hindutva. India will become a leftist haven. Sigh. How I wait for that.

November 2013: This Modi is giving many speeches. But he has not said anything interesting yet. No 56 inch chest yet. No communal vitriol yet. Wait, puppy is a communal word. And Shehzada. What is he upto. Giving speeches all across the country. Who will hear him. Last elections he gave so many speeches and still the BJP lost. He never learns. Somehow, some people seem to be turning up - must be more of curiosity I suppose. Or they must have been paid in Khakras. As if people are interested in the Gujarat model. These unwashed masses he is speaking to do not even know where is Gujarat. Look at us intellectuals, we diss the model without knowing it and his audience loves the model without knowing where Gujarat is. (This sentence may fit twitter)

December 2013: Arvind Kejriwal is Indias new hero. Should I quite writing columns and join the party? Or should I write columns about the party first and then join? No, I will just wait and watch. Kejriwal is Indias saviour. Man, that man is lefter than leftists. And yes, he will take on Modi with his left hand. Prashant Bhushan, cool guy and that Yogendra Yadav - is even better. What a victory for these guys in Delhi. They have punctured Modi. This should be a good theme for a while now. Kejriwal. Kejriwal. Kejriwal. Kejriwal.

January 2014: Modis campaign has peaked. People are bored already. Plus he used the word Shehzada  to refer to Rahul. From here it is only downhill.  And then there is Arvind Kejriwal who will storm the country. 44% of metros will vote for Kejriwal tells that newspaper - but on a sample size of 400. Ok. Will cut the sample size from my column. But Kejriwal will win - look at the governance by dharna - this is a great idea. One does not need an opposition with a government like this. Brilliant Idea. Plus he hates RSS. He removed that Bharat Mata poster also. Man, how I love Kejriwal. That Rahul interview is a disaster. Let me ignore that. But wait, Modi is only giving speeches - That may deserve a column by itself. Modi gives no interviews while Kejriwal gives interviews while he is not on dharna and while he is not giving dharnas, he is giving interviews. What a strategy.

February 2014: This Kejriwal is a dude. He quit Delhi. To do what? Let me write a column on that - will write that his national stock has gone up. The future prime minister rises. Meanwhile this Modi is still giving speeches. Whatever for. Crowds are still turning up. Let me ignore that for now. There is no Modi wave. There is no Modi wave. There is no Modi wave. There is a AAP wave. If only that Ashutosh could write better English on twitter. I can ghost write for him? No. I cannot. But he wrote a book. Wonder how. AAP is contesting 400 seats. They will stop Modi. This country cannot afford a stable strong government. We are too fragile to be held tight by a strong government. The days of strong governments are over.

March 2014: Modi is going to campaign from Varanasi. Ah, the rich secular history of Varanasi - which Modi wants to polarise. Let me see. What is this Ganga Jamuni Tehzeeb. Sounds like a secular sweet. That paanwaala may know. Kejriwal will defeat Modi. This is a great news. Let me write a column on Modis chances in Varanasi. Modi runs scared sounds kind of appropriate. Kejriwal will keep Modi locked down in Varanasi. This is brilliant.  Now this Modi is giving even more rallies. Why? As if people vote for the Prime Minister. This is a parliamentary system. People vote for candidates. This guy just does not get it, does he. He has sidelined Sushma Swaraj. And Advani. And Joshi. That is enough material for a few columns. I can retire in peace.

April: There is no Modi wave. There is no Modi wave.There is no Modi wave.There is no Modi wave.There is no Modi wave.There is no Modi wave.There is no Modi wave.There is no Modi wave.There is no Modi wave.There is no Modi wave.There is no Modi wave.There is no Modi wave.There is no Modi wave. There is a Priyanka wave. There is a Priyanka wave. There is a Priyanka wave. Priyanka is wearing a red saree today. She looks like Indira Gandhi. AAP is on the downswing it seems. Idiots - these psephologists. Let me write a column on cutting a saree figure.

May: There is no Modi wave.There is no Modi wave.There is no Modi wave.There is no Modi wave.There is no Modi wave.There is no Modi wave. He has only got 31% of the vote. Not the remaining 69% and still they win so many seats. Democracy has lost. Even in democracy people can make bad choices. Yessssss, there is no Modi wave in Kerala. Or Manipur. Or Mizoram. Let me write a story on the Manipur model. Mizoram next. Where is it?

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